i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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