I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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