remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
