the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
