my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
