I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
