I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
