Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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