On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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