does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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