i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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