Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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