I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
