i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
