The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
