There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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