Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
barbara walters just said penis...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
