I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Soap is not a condiment
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
