I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
