Dude my mom stole all your condoms
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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