she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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