remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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