I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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