every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
