She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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