Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
