Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
