Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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