man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
