Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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