but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
