her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
