seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
