Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
