You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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