someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
