I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
