My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
