she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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