my vag is so smooth its legendary
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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