I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
