Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
