Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
