I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So apparently I’m into choking now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
