i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
