you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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