I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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