She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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