people are starting to question the shark bite story
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
