Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
