When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
