We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
